My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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