Ketchup is God's man juice
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Randomize
