Define "chronic" masturbator.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
