Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
