Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
This baby is an asshole
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
