I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
