First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
