You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
