no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
