That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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