Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
