I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
