i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
