You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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