Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
