sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
