Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
