woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
