You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Randomize
