She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
