I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize