her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
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