I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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