Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Randomize
