Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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