We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
