Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
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