It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
