I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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