wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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