I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
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