my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
