I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Randomize
