just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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