She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
time to smoke my breakfast
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
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