Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
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