eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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