I got chris browned last night
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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