i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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