drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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