Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
