I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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