chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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