I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
