he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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