You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
