sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
