I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
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