I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
