My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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