i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I feel great
I just peed on a car
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
