smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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