This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize
