This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
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