He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
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