the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
