happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
