I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
3 2 1 whiskey
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
