I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
