He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
