OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
