Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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