You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Randomize
