Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I think people are normalizing furries
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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